"The Tourists" is an in-theater pre-show featuring Colleen and Harold, giants puppets excited to be in the audience. They help set the tone for the full-scale, Las Vegas-style grand illusion and close-up magic show about to begin.
SCENE 1
(Pre-show music slowly fades down.)
COLLEEN
What a nice theater! This place has everything.
HAROLD
I know. Chairs, walls, a ceiling…
COLLEEN
I love this! Can see everything from up here. Aren’t our seats just perfect?
HAROLD
Except for one thing.
COLLEEN
What’s that?
HAROLD
They’re together.
COLLEEN
Did you get a good price for the tickets?
HAROLD
Oh yeah, I got a big deal. It was a two-for-the-price-of-two.
COLLEEN
Two-for-the-price-of two? Big deal.
HAROLD
Like I said.
COLLEEN
Have you seen Charles before, Harold?
HAROLD
Sort of.
COLLEEN
What do you mean?
HAROLD
Well, I saw him, then he was gone. Then I saw him again.
COLLEEN
Well, that’s bound to happen he’s a magician.
HAROLD
A good one, too. In fact, this might be my tenth time seeing him.
COLLEEN
What a loyal fan.
HAROLD
Yup. And I still don’t know how he does it.
COLLEEN
(Sighs. Then, to herself)
I don’t know how I do it, either
.
(Beat)
COLLEEN
Look at all the other people coming in now. I told you we should be early so we get the best seats.
HAROLD
Colleen, they’re assigned seats. We didn’t have to get here early.
COLLEEN
I know, i just like looking at people as they come in.
HAROLD
I wonder if they feel the same way, looking at us?
COLLEEN
Of course they do. Just check out the arm candy you’re with.
COLLEEN
Look at that lady down there. Her dress is so tight I can see her lungs.
HAROLD
(Leans over to look closer)
Those aren’t her lungs.
COLLEEN
Look at all these nice-looking people coming in. I bet they’re a fun group.
HAROLD
Do you want to invite them all over for tea?
COLLEEN
I just mean, I bet they’re a great audience. Before long they’ll be laughing, clapping. At least I hope so.
HAROLD
Why’s that?
COLLEEN
So I’ll know when to laugh and clap. I don’t always get jokes.
(Colleen suddenly laughs. startling Harold.)
COLLEEN
Hey, that exit sign says “Salida.” What the heck is salida?
HAROLD
It’s Spanish for salad.
COLLEEN
“Salida.” Spanish for salad. You’re so smart, Harold. It’s like being married to a thesaurus.
HAROLD
Thesaurus? Are you calling me a dinosaur?
COLLEEN
Let’s change the subject. That salida sign has got me craving salad.
(beat)
Harold, do you realize how long we’ve been married? 25 years!
HAROLD
25 years isn’t long. I’ve got boxer shorts older than that.
(Beat)
COLLEEN
Harold, do I look okay? I’m not sure I like what I’m wearing.
HAROLD
Don’t worry. They bring the house lights down before the show starts.
HAROLD
Do you have anything sweet in your bag?
COLLEEN
Nah, I’m trying to cut down on sugar. According to my body mass index, I should be ten feet tall.
Song: “I Wanna Dance With Somebody”
COLLEEN
Ooo, I love the song. I’m already feeling the rhythm. Are you feeling it, Harold?
HAROLD
Uh, I feel something. Mostly self-conscious.
COLLEEN
(ignoring him)
Yeah, hey, uuuuh, yeah, aha, yeah. Who wants to dance?
(Colleen moves to the song with small hands movements, like an old lady.)
HAROLD
(shakes his head disapprovingly)
Shush! People are staring at you.
COLLEEN
Of course they are, I’m hot, I’m magnetic, I’m—
HAROLD
(interupts)
—you’re a puppet.
COLLEEN
Yes. I. Am. And don’t shush me again, Harold. You’re not a librarian!
HAROLD
(He tries to shush her again, unsuccessfully.)
HAROLD
Ah, what the heck! Nobody knows me here.
(They start dancing, synchronized routine, big hand gestures, high energy, clapping above their heads. Colleen sings, finishes the song on a high note.)
COLLEEN
My mom says my voice is a gift.
HAROLD
Well, return it.
(beat)
I hope she kept the receipt.
(Colleen hits his shoulder.)
COLLEEN
Hmmm the handsome young man over there is staring at me.
HAROLD
That doesn’t mean anything. People stare at traffic accidents, too.
(beat)
He’s probably just dressing you with his eyes.
COLLEEN
You don’t need to be jealous. You should be happy men find your young wife attractive.
HAROLD
(clearing his throat)
Young?
COLLEEN
What? I just turned thirty.
HAROLD
Yeah! 20 years ago!
COLLEEN
Okay okay but they say fifty is the new thirty.
HAROLD
Sure, if you’re bad at math.
COLLEEN
I look good for my age. Remember that guy at the restaurant who offered to get me a drink?
HAROLD
He was our waiter.
COLLEEN
Don’t be silly. Oh, get me more of the butter popcorn, will ya? I love the butter sprinkles.
(Colleen points to her cheek. Harold kisses his hand and then touches her cheek. She puts her hand on his hand)
HAROLD
Ok, I’ll get you more popcorn…with the “butter sprinkles.”
COLLEEN
Oh, I’m in love.
HAROLD
I love you, too.
COLLEEN
I was talking about the popcorn.
(They kiss. Lights dim on them in the balcony)
VOICEOVER
Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the wonders theater. As a reminder please silence or turn off your phones.
(Colleen’s cell phone rings with a Justin Bieber ringtone)
(Lights back up on tourists)
COLLEEN
Oh, is that me?
HAROLD
No, it’s your phone.
COLLEEN
Oh, I feel like a ding-a-ling.
(She answers it.)
COLLEEN
Hello? Oh, I can’t talk now. I’m about to have a magical experience. What? No, of course not; I’m still with Harold.
HAROLD
Would you please hang up?
COLLEEN
Hey, I gotta go! The show’s about to start.
(pause)
Charles Bach Wonders!
(pause)
I don’t know what he wonders; only that he does. Okay, bye!
HAROLD
Remember, no phone use during the show. Otherwise, the magician will saw your data plan in half.
COLLEEN
I’m not getting any bars, anyway.
HAROLD
I love going to bars.
COLLEEN
I better put my phone away. As courtesy to those around me. Even you, Harold.
VOICEOVER
Get your drinks and snacks in our concession area and find your seats. Remember to turn your cell phones to silent mode and while they’re in your hands, like us on Facebook. Show time is coming up in two minutes.
HAROLD
Oh, good, good. I’ve been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep.
COLLEEN
I know. I heard it snoring.
(Lights fade, curtain closes on tourists.Last song ends pre-show, cues curtain for Charles’ entrance.)
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