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  • markuskublin

Charles Bach: Wonders (Myrtle Beach, SC)



"The Tourists" is an in-theater pre-show featuring Colleen and Harold, giants puppets excited to be in the audience. They help set the tone for the full-scale, Las Vegas-style grand illusion and close-up magic show about to begin.

 

SCENE 1

 

(Pre-show music slowly fades down.)

 

COLLEEN

What a nice theater! This place has everything.

 

HAROLD

I know. Chairs, walls, a ceiling…

 

COLLEEN

I love this! Can see everything from up here. Aren’t our seats just perfect?

 

HAROLD

Except for one thing.

 

COLLEEN

What’s that?

 

HAROLD

They’re together.

 

COLLEEN

Did you get a good price for the tickets?

 

HAROLD

Oh yeah, I got a big deal. It was a two-for-the-price-of-two.

 

COLLEEN

Two-for-the-price-of two? Big deal.

 

HAROLD

Like I said.

 

COLLEEN

Have you seen Charles before, Harold?

 

HAROLD

Sort of.

 

COLLEEN

What do you mean?

 

HAROLD

Well, I saw him, then he was gone. Then I saw him again.

 

COLLEEN

Well, that’s bound to happen he’s a magician.

 

HAROLD

A good one, too. In fact, this might be my tenth time seeing him.

 

COLLEEN

What a loyal fan.

 

HAROLD

Yup. And I still don’t know how he does it.

 

COLLEEN

(Sighs. Then, to herself)

I don’t know how I do it, either

.

(Beat)

 

COLLEEN

Look at all the other people coming in now. I told you we should be early so we get the best seats.

 

HAROLD

Colleen, they’re assigned seats. We didn’t have to get here early.

 

COLLEEN

I know, i just like looking at people as they come in.

 

HAROLD

I wonder if they feel the same way, looking at us?

 

COLLEEN

Of course they do. Just check out the arm candy you’re with.

 

COLLEEN

Look at that lady down there. Her dress is so tight I can see her lungs. 

 

HAROLD

(Leans over to look closer)

Those aren’t her lungs.

 

COLLEEN

Look at all these nice-looking people coming in. I bet they’re a fun group.

 

HAROLD

Do you want to invite them all over for tea?

 

COLLEEN

I just mean, I bet they’re a great audience. Before long they’ll be laughing, clapping. At least I hope so.

 

HAROLD

Why’s that?

 

COLLEEN

So I’ll know when to laugh and clap. I don’t always get jokes.

 

(Colleen suddenly laughs. startling Harold.)

 

COLLEEN

Hey, that exit sign says “Salida.” What the heck is salida?

 

HAROLD

It’s Spanish for salad.

 

COLLEEN

“Salida.” Spanish for salad. You’re so smart, Harold. It’s like being married to a thesaurus.

 

HAROLD

Thesaurus? Are you calling me a dinosaur?

 

COLLEEN

Let’s change the subject. That salida sign has got me craving salad.

(beat)

Harold, do you realize how long we’ve been married? 25 years!

 

HAROLD

25 years isn’t long. I’ve got boxer shorts older than that.

 

(Beat)

 

COLLEEN

Harold, do I look okay? I’m not sure I like what I’m wearing.

 

HAROLD

Don’t worry. They bring the house lights down before the show starts.

 

HAROLD

Do you have anything sweet in your bag?

 

COLLEEN

Nah, I’m trying to cut down on sugar. According to my body mass index, I should be ten feet tall.

 

Song: “I Wanna Dance With Somebody”

 

COLLEEN

Ooo, I love the song. I’m already feeling the rhythm. Are you feeling it, Harold?

 

HAROLD

Uh, I feel something. Mostly self-conscious.

 

COLLEEN

(ignoring him)

Yeah, hey, uuuuh, yeah, aha, yeah. Who wants to dance?

 

(Colleen moves to the song with small hands movements, like an old lady.)

 

HAROLD

(shakes his head disapprovingly)

Shush! People are staring at you.

 

COLLEEN

Of course they are, I’m hot, I’m magnetic, I’m—

 

HAROLD

(interupts)

—you’re a puppet.

 

COLLEEN

Yes. I. Am. And don’t shush me again, Harold. You’re not a librarian!

 

HAROLD

(He tries to shush her again, unsuccessfully.)

 

HAROLD

Ah, what the heck! Nobody knows me here.

 

(They start dancing, synchronized routine, big hand gestures, high energy, clapping above their heads. Colleen sings, finishes the song on a high note.)

 

COLLEEN

My mom says my voice is a gift.

 

HAROLD

Well, return it.

(beat)

I hope she kept the receipt.

 

(Colleen hits his shoulder.)

 

COLLEEN

Hmmm the handsome young man over there is staring at me.

 

HAROLD

That doesn’t mean anything. People stare at traffic accidents, too.

(beat)

He’s probably just dressing you with his eyes.

 

COLLEEN

You don’t need to be jealous. You should be happy men find your young wife attractive.

 

HAROLD

(clearing his throat)

Young?

 

COLLEEN

What? I just turned thirty.

 

HAROLD

Yeah! 20 years ago!

 

COLLEEN

Okay okay but they say fifty is the new thirty.

 

HAROLD

Sure, if you’re bad at math.

 

COLLEEN

I look good for my age. Remember that guy at the restaurant who offered to get me a drink?

 

HAROLD

He was our waiter.

 

COLLEEN

Don’t be silly. Oh, get me more of the butter popcorn, will ya? I love the butter sprinkles.

 

(Colleen points to her cheek. Harold kisses his hand and then touches her cheek. She puts her hand on his hand)

 

HAROLD

Ok, I’ll get you more popcorn…with the “butter sprinkles.”

 

COLLEEN

Oh, I’m in love.

 

HAROLD

I love you, too.

 

COLLEEN

I was talking about the popcorn.

 

(They kiss. Lights dim on them in the balcony)

 

VOICEOVER

Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the wonders theater. As a reminder please silence or turn off your phones.

 

(Colleen’s cell phone rings with a Justin Bieber ringtone)

 

(Lights back up on tourists)

 

COLLEEN

Oh, is that me?

 

HAROLD

No, it’s your phone.

 

COLLEEN

Oh, I feel like a ding-a-ling.

 

(She answers it.)

COLLEEN

Hello? Oh, I can’t talk now. I’m about to have a magical experience. What? No, of course not; I’m still with Harold. 

 

HAROLD

Would you please hang up?

 

COLLEEN

Hey, I gotta go! The show’s about to start.

(pause)

Charles Bach Wonders!

(pause)

I don’t know what he wonders; only that he does. Okay, bye!

 

HAROLD

Remember, no phone use during the show. Otherwise, the magician will saw your data plan in half.

 

COLLEEN

I’m not getting any bars, anyway.

 

HAROLD

I love going to bars.

 

COLLEEN

I better put my phone away. As courtesy to those around me. Even you, Harold.

 

VOICEOVER

Get your drinks and snacks in our concession area and find your seats. Remember to turn your cell phones to silent mode and while they’re in your hands, like us on Facebook. Show time is coming up in two minutes.

 

HAROLD

Oh, good, good. I’ve been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep.

 

COLLEEN

I know. I heard it snoring.

 

(Lights fade, curtain closes on tourists.Last song ends pre-show, cues curtain for Charles’ entrance.)

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