top of page
  • markuskublin

The Royal Proclamations (Excalibur Hotel, Las Vegas)



Royal guests enjoy an interaction with King Arthur & Queen Guinevere, with a humorous peek inside castle life.


(Daily live show)

 LIGHTS UP as the MAIN CURTAIN opens.

 

A ROYAL TRUMPET FANFARE plays.

 

ANNOUNCER 1

My lords and ladies, the Castle of Excalibur now proudly presents

their Royal majesties, King Arthur and Queen Guinevere.

 

KING ARTHUR and QUEEN GUINEVERE enter from SR, holding hands in royal fashion as light CHAMBER MUSIC plays.

 

They walk DCS to face the audience. A small but ornate wooden table is between them. The table holds 3 SCROLLS, a FRAMED PAINTING face-down, and a decorated PORCELAIN BOX. Arthur bows and Guinevere curtsies to the audience as the music slowly begins to FADE DOWN.

 

KING ARTHUR

Welcome, my lords and ladies—

 

The music suddenly CRESCENDOS. Arthur looks offstage, miming for the sound technician to cut the music. It takes a few seconds before the technician understands. Finally, the music stops.

 

KING ARTHUR

Welcome, my--

 

The trumpet fanfare music starts over from the beginning. Arthur quickly withdraws his sword, Excalibur, from its scabbard and makes a beeline for the wings, USR. Guinevere watches after him, alarmed. The music warbles to silence like an LP record manually slowed to a stop. Arthur returns as if nothing has happened.

 

KING ARTHUR

Welcome, my lords and ladies, and thank you all for joining us.

 

Arthur picks up the largest scroll.

 

QUEEN GUINEVERE

We wish to make the day’s Royal Proclamations at this time.

 

Arthur unfurls the scroll. It unrolls all the way to the floor and rolls out off the front of the stage.

 

KING ARTHUR

There are… 134 of them!


QUEEN GUINEVERE

Oh, dear. That will take forever. That’s far too many!

Let’s just do… the Top Ten Proclamations. Yes, that will do, the top ten.

 

Guinevere picks up the 2 remaining scrolls from the table and hands one to Arthur. They each unroll their scrolls by the knobbed dowels at the top and bottom.

 

KING ARTHUR

Very well, let us begin. Hear ye, hear ye. Let the following

be known to all within our realm:

 

QUEEN GUINEVERE

#10. In order to prevent rust, all knights must remove their armor

before going swimming in the pool.

 

KING ARTHUR

#9. Congratulations to our Engineering Department,

who have successfully made the Round Table 17% rounder! Good work!

 

MUSIC CUE: NEWSDESK, SLOWLY FADES UNDER…

 

QUEEN GUINEVERE

This just in… We have just received the results of the

Golden Lance Jousting Finals. This year’s winner is…

our very own Sir Percival, the third bravest knight in all the land.

 

KING ARTHUR

We shall now show a medieval video clip.

 

Arthur picks up the framed painting that has been face-down on the table. He shows it to the audience. The painting depicts Sir Percival on a horse, with a lance extended for jousting. Arthur “trots” the painting across the front of the stage as if to demonstrate Percival’s riding prowess.

 

KING ARTHUR

Thank you.

 

QUEEN GUINEVERE

#8. All visitors to the dungeon must have prior authorization

and are subject to search. Guards have orders to clap you in irons first

and ask questions ten years later.

 

KING ARTHUR

We will now turn live, via satellite, to lord Lumpkin,

reporting from outside the front of the castle. Lord Lumpkin?

 

LORD LUMPKIN (V.O.)

Thank you, your majesty. The lifeguard at the castle moat

has just been eaten. So once again, swimming there

will be at your own risk. One more thing. Right now,

there’s a 20-minute wading list.

(He chuckles)

Get it? Wading!

 

Arthur and Guinevere both shake their heads in embarrassment.

 

QUEEN GUINEVERE

Thank you very much for that update, Lord Lumpkin.

 

KING ARTHUR

How can we have a live report, via satellite, from Lord Lumpkin,

but my “video clip” was just a painting?

 

QUEEN GUINEVERE

Oh, Arthur! Don’t be so sensitive!

 

KING ARTHUR

#7. Whoever switched the signs that say “Rest Room” and

“Royal Throne Room,” please switch them back—immediately!

 

QUEEN GUINEVERE

#6. A note to all royal attendants and servants:

Before entering the royal chambers of the king and queen,

please knock! Thank you.

 

MUSIC CUE.

 

QUEEN GUINEVERE

We’ll be right back, after this word from our sponsor.

 

ANNOUNCER 2(V.O.)

Today’s Royal Proclamations are brought to you by…

The Thieves and Grave-Robbers Guild!

 

QUEEN GUINEVERE

Wait! Stop! We rejected their sponsorship.

 

ANNOUNCER #2 (V.O.)

Oh, right. Sorry. Today, the Royal Proclamations are brought to you by…

The Court Jester’s Stage. See Magic, Juggling, and Puppet Shows.

Hear Music, Stories, and more! Shows begin at 11:00 AM, daily.

Go to the Castle’s 2nd Floor, the Attraction Level, for schedule and

show times. The Court Jester’s Stage: worth every penny — because it’s free!

 

During Announcer #2’s message, the King and Queen remain CS and go through an elaborate but very quick break for tea. From within the porcelain box on the table, they unveil their TEA SET. The king pours tea for both of them. They clink their tea CUPS, sip the hot tea, and return the POT and cups to their box. The lid of the box closes on exactly the last beat of music accompanying the phrase  “because it’s free!

 

KING ARTHUR

Welcome back.

 

QUEEN GUINEVERE

They didn’t go anywhere, Arthur.

 

KING ARTHUR

Well anyway, #5. This is for Sir Trystan, who has been parading around

rather pompously all week with his shiny, new helmet.

Sir Trystan, Anheuser-Busch called. They want their keg back!

 

Arthur laughs, really cracking himself up over this.

 

 

KING ARTHUR

Oh, I made a funny!

 

Guinevere is amused at first, but for her, this gets old quickly.

 

KING ARTHUR

It-it looks like a keg!

 

Arthur continues to laugh hysterically. Tears stream. He dabs his eyes with a silk handkerchief, quickly composing himself.

 

QUEEN GUINEVERE

#4. From this day forward, at all public beheadings, out of respect,

no chewing gum is allowed. However, popcorn and peanuts will still be sold.

 

KING ARTHUR

Before we do the Top 3, It is time for today’s editorial.

Anonymous, writes, “The Royals,” – Oh, that’s us! –

The Royals are tyrannical, elitist dictators.

Arthur and Guinevere should be overthrown

and replaced through a democratic election??”

(Royally perturbed)

It should be pointed out that views expressed in the editorial

do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the king, the queen,

or our well-fortified armies.

(Glancing offstage, smiling, but meaning business)

Someone please find out who wrote that, will you?

 

QUEEN GUINEVERE

#3. A reminder to all employees working in the royal jails:

Chains, shackles, and whips are for official use, only.

 

KING ARTHUR

This is Las Vegas, my darling.

 

QUEEN GUINEVERE

You’re right, my liege. What happens in the dungeon--

 

KING ARTHUR and QUEEN GUINEVERE

Stays in the dungeon.

 

KING ARTHUR

Speaking of which, #2. A note to all poker and video poker players:

the phrase “hitting a royal” is just an expression.

Any actual assault on the king or queen would result in immediate execution.

 

QUEEN GUINEVERE

And finally, our #1 royal decree of the day:

a Public Service Announcement. Please help control

the fire-breathing animal population. Have your dragon

spayed or neutered. Thank you.

 

Bright medieval MUSIC plays.

 

KING ARTHUR

This concludes the reading of today’s Top Ten Royal Proclamations.

 

QUEEN GUINEVERE

Thank you all for joining us, and please enjoy your visit here in the kingdom of Excalibur.

 

KING ARTHUR and QUEEN GUINEVERE

Fare thee well.

 

The music swells and the LIGHTS FADE as the king and queen once again join hands, and exit SR.

 

CURTAIN.

 

The music FADES.

 

The End.

0 views0 comments

Comentarios


bottom of page